Looking for patterns of questioning.
Again. . . She ponders patterns.
Is she unhappy in love because she can’t escape her unstable childhood?
When she looks in the mirror in the morning and see’s her mothers face, is that nature or a warning?
Is it her drinking that makes her so angry or is it her anger that makes her drink?
Does she really enjoy kindness to others or is it the only way she feels she can find the energy to muster up self kindness?
Lola has wrung through these questions of her patterns for years. Really for as long as she can remember. She was raised in the generation of self help.
Book stores filled to the brim with ‘Do it yourself’ ‘ self help guides. “Reclaim your soul.” ,”Leave that tormented love.”, “Stop overeating and regain your self confidence! “. All teaching that YOU have the power to be a better you. And Lola has read them all. Each one filled her with a sense of hope and accomplishment to change her insides into the happy outsides of others she saw.
Weeks after she finishes the books, she finds herself stuck. . .combing through the thoughts.
Combing through her actions of each and every day.
Did she use the day to it’s fullest?
Did she pay attention to the true Lola?
Who the hell is the true Lola? She’s been so busy changing Lola she has no idea which her is the real her or the her she should be getting rid of!
The self help books showed no way accept to magnify all that she was and over analyze every little thing about herself and her day.
Speaking of over analyzing, she’s been meaning to work on that as well.
Shit! She just can’t stop. Add it to the long list of things to do. . . Analyze why you analyze so damn much!
Generations of people accepting who they are for the chance to change. Be the better YOU.
Today, just for today. Lola sits and relaxes her stomach. Puts down the book. Picks up her pen. She doesn’t know what she’ll write about but you can bet your sweet ass it won’t be about self help.