Accepting Lonely

The heart broken is still a heart.

The heart broken is still a heart.

Tonight I feel

lonely

tired

and

full of fear

fear of the what if’s

and

the how comes.

I have to take my mind

to free myself

by accepting that tonight

I feel lonely.

Nothing more

and

nothing less

I cuddle lonely

not to change

it

but to simply

see

and

accept.

The Night Held Close

Tonight I write to you dark whisper

Tonight I take you in your chaos and hold onto the nightmare to tell you,

you are no different

No different than me

Than we

Yet your bright eyes tell me you are unique in reasoning and the touch of you I crave knowing tomorrows light would show all to be just as grave

For I am nothing without moonlight

I am nothing without the liquid of fermented earth

I am only the telling of the you I see

The touch craved

The night held close

The hearts grave spotted.

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Waiting To Blame

I never once took him for granted. Although he would have told you otherwise, that son of a bitch.  “You don’t care about me. “ He would whine after an argument that began over dirty dishes and backed up toilets.

Don’t get me wrong he was a good man in the beginning when he rode me hard and kept his mouth shut. But soon after we married he began to feel and in feeling he began to smother me with questions of whether or not I loved him. Did I need him? Why wasn’t I coming home at night? I mean shit, I can only take so much questioning before I bark, “Look sissy, I don’t give a shit if you feel like I should snuggle you more after sex or spend time with you at night balancing the check book! If I wanted someone so damn soft and pink I would be with a woman!”

A spine, yes a spine is what he needs and I just don’t have the time or energy to give it to him. If he beat me I’d be better off. At least then I could call him a man. At least then I could look him in the eye . Shit,  I’d even let the fear keep me home. Something. Anything to keep me home. Right now all that resides there is his damn pathetic whine. Waiting to blame me and beg me not take his love for granted.

Me? Take anything for granted? See, it goes to show that mother fucker doesn’t know me at all. Not one bit. 

Irritable Self

The words are tight in my chest today. Tight from holding them in as I survive another holiday. Another attack of thoughts and color. Sound that overwhelms and makes you grind your teeth at others. No one in particular. Grinding at all who walk by. All who ask why. All who are all. All including myself. I grind my teeth at myself the most. Continuous grit of sounds deep in the eardrum. I fling them from my mind now in tantrums of tingly emotion. I exhale and  ask to have peace with my irritable self today.

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Ask Give Take

Her drought

has run

out of blue and crimson sunset

give me the breaks and she

will grind them.

He and they walk

ask give take

why the fuck not why the fuck so

Let go, let go, breathe and remember to remember to remember to

let go

take toes dipped

in sunlight driven by lust of gold

she stumbles, I catch.

she gives

I grow.

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Taken in small sips of sound.

Melody given to me…I breathe

I take it in in small sips of sound…sip…sip….feel and feel again

taken to another time with the turn

of the phrase and the moan

of the violin stringed monster

of love and honor.

Tonight.

Tonight I take in my own mind and call it

fine

just fine

by me

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like I listen to the song I listen

to the melody of me

turn on tune.

Turn on.